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Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Bumper stickers

My karma ran over your dogma.


I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )



I love animals, they taste great.


EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.



Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.


Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

Limericks

There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"



There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass

Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!

I want to die like my grandfather; peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming like his passengers.

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
Outside the operating room.


The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'


The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'


The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'


The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'


The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'


And the second kid says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

ummmm Eyes.... I said yes....

YOU Called - where have you been???

HAPPY TEARS - UMMM Shoulda emailed me KIM!!! OMG - Hell yeah!!!! Having heart palpitations and can't type an effing word......wowsers! IF all goes well $ wise and stuff I am planning on going somewhere real special for Christmas....But YOU...

Kim, it is late here and I am battling a grade A cold, email me the details and all the good gooey stuff okay. to you and B ....OMG, you aren't ????? are you... kidding.

Thought it would be more fun to tell you this way ... I'll email you more details later. Work tomorrow and 4:45 A.M. comes early.

Well you got my attention, damn near spewed my diet coke and lime all over the keyboard - and that's almost as bad as pink lemonade!!! I am somewhat dumbfounded by how so many lives are changing and going in different directions and how many of us have decided to take one more leap of faith. At least you live in the same province (and more)- how great is that? Nothing like trying to figure out a 3000 km relocation let me tell ya! Boggles me mind, it does !!!!

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